Ames Progressive

What if I had died last Thursday before reading Catcher in the Rye? I’d have never been introduced to Salinger. Never known that there is a God and he is made flesh and Salinger is Him. Would I have gone to Heaven anyway?

Good question. I have no idea. What were you doing last Thursday that might have gotten you killed?

Not only that – I would have had a batch of laundry in the building’s washer and someone would have taken it out without realizing that they were handling a dead guy’s clothes. That’s kind of creepy.

What about the people who were born before Salinger wrote anything – what happened to them?

I guess it’s like the people who were born before Jesus. They’re in Hell but not an especially terrible circle of it. An unenlightened circle. They may just not know what they’re missing. Kind of like me last Thursday, when I thought I was happy.

What does Salinger think about this?

I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t even know. Maybe he’s like Haile Selassie. That guy was Christian and then the whole Rasta thing just got foisted on him.

Jesus was a Jew.

A zombie Jew! Plus there’s the whole Lazerus thing. Maybe Jesus actually practiced Vodoo and the Fathersonholyspirit veneer got painted on after he died.

What happens when Salinger dies?

I don’t know, but I’d love to be the guy to touch his laundry.

Maybe his image would appear on it like the shroud of Guadalupe.

Or maybe he’d show up on toast.

It seems like that would be too avant-garde for the old guy. I do like toast though. Hey, that book you have…

Yeah?

It’s not even Catcher in the Rye.

I know. That’s what I’ve been thinking the whole time that I’ve been reading it. This isn’t Salinger. It never stops hurting.

Kind of like that Joni Mitchell song.

You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?

Actually it’s called “Big Yellow Taxi.”

So it’s like the “Teenage Wasteland” song.

What?

You mean Who.

Why?

It’s actually called “Baba O’Riley.”

I can dig that. But you know what’s weird about all this?

What’s that?

It’s 1917. The Who aren’t around yet.

I suppose that takes care of Salinger too.

Not to mention the washing machine.

I was worried about that.

I think we still have toast though.

At least there’s that.