“a short play”

There is a man and a woman sitting in a living room. The man is on one couch and the woman is on a separate couch.

The man: (repeatedly pointing and clicking the remote) Fuck—why won’t this thing work?

The woman: (painting her toenails) What won’t work?

The man: (tapping the remote with his hand then pointing it at her again) The button that makes you explode into flames. It won’t work for some reason.

“3 short pieces”

1.
Yesterday I was walking down the street and I came to a four-way intersection. There was a car stopped in front of the crosswalk. A girl in the passenger side looked out the window at me. She put her thumbs in her ears and stuck her tongue out. I smiled at her and waved my hand. She laughed really hard and the car drove away. I stood in the street watching the car drive into the horizon. I let my smile drop. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a detonator and clicked it, laughing. Then I realized it was just one of those pens with a clicking device on the end and that I hadn’t even attached an explosive to the car. 0 for 2, I thought.

2.
When I was younger I told my dad that I wouldn’t be happy until I saw someone dumping dirt onto his coffin. And that I wouldn’t be happy until I danced on his grave. I was totally lying though because I have no clue how to dance.

3.
The next time I go to get a physical examination at the doctor’s office, and the doctor has his/her hands on my balls, I am going to run my hand through his/her hair and say, “You know I love you babe. Let’s never fight again.”